For most of my life I have been searching for the man of my dreams. However, there has always been this lingering fear of not being able to find him. Twice in my life I have felt that I had found this perfect picture. But you know, fear is an interesting emotion. When we discover fear in one playground of our lives, sooner later, as we work our process, it will appear in another. What I'm saying here is during these two relationships there was a fear of losing each of them. Being so into resistance of feeling the fear and processing it, of course I created losing each of them, creating exactly what I was trying to avoid.

We all learn to identify ourselves by the decisions that we make about ourselves as we're growing up. Personally, I see the majority of these decisions being made within about our first fifteen months (from conception to about six months). After this period, we create the experience which we call "our life" from these decisions, past life decisions, and other beliefs that we make from and about external stimuli, people and life in general.

These decisions range from how we are as a person, "I am attractive," "I am shy" to an identity of what it means to be either a female or a male. An example of this for females may be "I am a female and this means that I have to be submissive to males" (a paradigm that is slowly shifting). And an example for males "I am a male and this means that I have to be the protector and leader (head, sole supporter) of the family" (another paradigm that is slowly shifting). To these core blocks we conjoin a mental image that we perceive is the ideal person for us to be. And from these, often unconscious, core issues we react and create our current "circumstances" in our lives. Here also is where we create our beliefs about what it means to be in a female or male body, those distinctive, typical, peculiar qualities for us to be correct, right, perfect as a female or a male. With this perfect picture in place (what it is to be a perfect female or male) we go through our lives attempting to uphold it.

As an example, my perfect picture has always been that of Cinderella. Within this image Prince Charming, of course, who is strong, handsome, wise, wealthy, etc., will come rescue me from every detail in my life that I find objectionable. This type of thinking, this gender ideal with its counterpart for the perfect partner, is the norm for each of us. As we begin to work our process more consciously, every one of us will find this departure from our True Self. With these pictures in place, what we find ourselves doing is comparing ourselves to the perfect image we hold for ourselves. And we compare our potential partners to the ideal we have for our ideal partner. In maintaining these facades (ours' and others') we never create relationships (with others and with ourselves) in which we connect with the True Self (in others and in ourselves). Furthermore, we don't allow others or ourselves to be who we truly are. Hence, we create relationships in which we try to complete ourselves by looking outside of ourselves searching for our wholeness. As we begin to look at the cause for our deteriorating relationships, these may be our findings.

Upon discovering the façade, we may realize that in addition to the respectful, awesome qualities, there may be some self-limiting qualities included. Examples for females with their Cinderella façade may be when she is full of sweetness and light, she may not be assertive and own her own space, trying to please everyone. Then when "it gets to be too much" she "blows-up" at whomever may cross her path. For the male and his Prince Charming façade, he may find the aspects of being brave and assertive but along with these he may find himself to be totally insensitive of others. These combinations of internal and external ideals seem to be a root cause for our looking outside of ourselves for our own completion and fulfillment. This denial of our own wholeness, both female and male energies and expressions of them through ourselves, is what is behind our creation of our own Self-separation. Have you ever noticed how the "real" man with all of his bravado and assertiveness, but lacking in sensitivity always seems to have the "real" woman with all of her gaiety and sweetness and light, but lacking in assertiveness? And how the "real" woman always seems to be with the "real" man? Within the old paradigm, this was the model that we learned to follow.

The Life Force (Prana, Ki, Chi, Manu, etc.) is neither female nor male in its individuality. But it is both female and male in its totality. We are who we have defined our consciousness as being either female or male and along with this definition, the expectation of how we should be. And because we define ourselves as either female or male, giving ourselves a gender image, we begin to make separations from this natural energy flow in its totality. These separations go along with our own perceptions of what it means to be female or male for others and ourselves. Following through with this process we repress and deny our fullness of expression, resulting in our not experiencing our own and others' wholeness.

One might ask, "How do I experience my own wholeness?" Experiencing this wholeness isn't so much attempting to unify these two polar energies as it is to becoming aware of these natural aspects of the fullness of expression within ourselves. This allows us to not deny those aspects that we have defined as of our opposite gender.

Each and every one of us is a unique interpretation of the Life Force. This Life Force, as stated earlier, is not just a blend, but is the perfect blend of female and male energy qualities. And when we allow ourselves to express ourselves naturally, in spontaneity, this perfect balance for each of us shines through. We each have a slightly different balance of these energies and their related qualities; this is what makes us each unique individuals. When we learn to look at each other from this Life Force or Spirit level, we don't see a woman or a man, we simply see the unique blend of these two energies and their related qualities; we simply, without judgement, see the Light or Spirit in each other.

berry is the director of Golden Hearts Healing Center in Sellwood, located at 1306 SE Miller Street. Among his credits are former staff member at Center for the Healing Arts; former staff member at Heart-Rose Healing Center; private and group sessions, lectures and workshops nationally, including meditation, aura healing, clairvoyant reading, Rebirthing, Emotional Body Healing™, Reiki, and Hatha Yoga. He was the closing speaker at the Spring '98 Psychic Fair at Montgomery Park and is looking forward to participating at the Fall '99 Psychic Fair at the Forestry Center.

For private or group sessions and classes phone berry at (503) 233-3331 or (503) 727-2441